To my husband

I spent most of the day driving.  I had to head to Bozeman to pick my baby brother up from school.  Originally, my dad was going to come with me, but an unfortunate bout with the flu means that I did the trip alone.

I had six hours all to myself.  It was wonderful...it's rare that I get 20 minutes alone, let alone hours in one stretch.  I listened to loud music and talked to myself and completely enjoyed driving through the snowy mountains.  Even cruddy roads didn't bum me out.

I spent a lot of time thinking.  There was a song that came on that really kind of got to me.  Ok, I lied...nearly all of the songs got to me.  But one really bothered me.

I haven't been very fair to my husband.  And that really bothers me.

Let me explain.  I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 18.  I was young and I was stupid and I was totally naive.  He was 10 years older than me and well...we just weren't good for one another, in a relationship.  But I worked my ass off.  Even though the relationship eventually failed, I did everything that I knew how to do to try to make it work and try to make him happy.  The first time he cheated on me, I blamed myself, and tried to work harder to be better for him...I would have done anything to make it work, because for some reason, I had it in my mind that he was the only man that would ever love me.

I broke up with him because there was someone else who loved me.  And I wouldn't have to be alone.  I could still be loved and have someone care for me, so it was finally ok for me to break up with him.  That relationship failed too, but it was as much from distance as anything else.  But I would have done anything for him too.

There was the Army guy.  I sent him as many packages as I could afford.  I was going to completely uproot myself and everything for him.  Again, I would have done anything for him.  Things broke apart shortly before he got back to the states.  He just stopped talking to me...and I was just broken over it.

And then I met my husband.  And at first, it was just going to be a fling.  We were just going to have fun.  And then we met each other and things got very serious, very fast.

But I think that maybe part of me has never given him as much as I should.  And that makes me feel like shit.

I love my husband.  I love him very much.  He keeps me grounded and he adores me.  He's the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  He's the father of my child (and future children) and I love him completely.  He is intelligent and sweet and funny...sometimes he's a bit dense, but he means well.  He is a wonderful father, and he loves me.

So here's the thing.  I need to be a better wife.  I love him as much as he loves me...but I need to be better at showing it.  He's not going to hurt me, he's not going to leave me, he's not going to cheat on me or disappear.  He's here to stay, and I need to be too.

It's something I need to work on.  I think maybe I just got so used to being IN CHARGE and doing it all myself that I forgot how to share.  Because I know I haven't been very good at sharing my life.

Colin--I love you.  I'm sorry I've been a terrible wife, and I will try to be better.