When Colin and I decided we were moving back to Missoula, I was thrilled. I called everyone and sent them messages on Facebook, and I started getting ready to go home. I didn't grow up here, but it has always been 'home' for me. Eventually, that initial euphoria started to fade and was replaced by fear.
It had been almost 8 years since I had left...and I'd only been back to visit a few times. And then, of course, I started to worry about the social structure.
You see, in the long long ago, in the before times...Adrienne and I met 'The Guys.' We met them LARP'ing. We went from LARP'ing with them to table top gaming with them to just generally hanging out. And then she started dating her husband and I started dating my ex. For the most part - it was really awesome.
And then the ex went to a convention, and cheated. Even though I was upset and unhappy, I stuck with the relationship. See, I was afraid that if I left, I would never find someone else who wanted me. I had this ridiculous romanticized ideal of love that said that since he was my first, we would eventually get married. And have children. And live the picture-perfect cookie-cutter life. So I stayed. Even being a little unhappy was better than being totally alone, right?
After a trip to Colorado, I had a brilliant idea. We'd move to Colorado! It would make everything all better. We'd have a new start and a new life and I would finally be able to forget the past. And it had the added benefit of getting me out of Montana and satisfying my silly roamer blood.
No one tried overly hard to talk us out of it. I think they all knew that I was set on it. I told him then, 'I'm going, even if you don't come with me.' He did, and I figured it would all be ok. I thought it would fix the issues I had with trusting him and that it would fix the issues he had with commitment.
Yeah...I was very, very wrong.
Needless to say, things in Colorado didn't go quite the way I had expected them to. We made some friends (some of them are still very dear to my heart, and will be my friends forever.) Things were great, at first. I don't really know when they started going south, but they did. We both lost all contact with our friends in Montana...to the point where we'd talk to them MAYBE once a year. Maybe. Hell, I totally lost contact with my parents. I would go for months without talking to my mom. Sure, I had freedom...but I was horribly lonely.
The break up was inevitable. I'll go into that later...but it was a long time coming. I realize now that we were both using each other. I didn't have a car and I was terrified of being alone. So I stayed until I just couldn't stay anymore. I'm not proud of it...but I stayed until I found someone else who showed me and told me that they were willing to be in a relationship with me...and that they were willing to love me.
I visited Missoula once after the break up. It wasn't bad, but I kept waiting for things to be awkward. I talked about the break up in passing, but I tried not to dwell on it. At that point, even a year later, everything was still pretty difficult for me to talk about without crying.
Fast Forward to current day. We were preparing for the move, and I started freaking out. What if everyone was as different as I am, and we didn't get along anymore? What if they were all disgusted by the choices I've made in my life and didn't want to associate with me? What if they all blamed me for taking their good buddy away, and wouldn't give my husband a chance? What if the person they expected to return was the person I was 10 years ago - not the person I am today? In short - I was terrified. Colin did a very good job reassuring me...he just kept reminding me that everyone in Missoula had been nothing but excited when we said we were coming back. And that even if everyone else didn't want to associate with me, our roommates still would.
It was still kind of a scary thing. Returning to a place after being gone for so many years. But the first night we were in town, we went to the New Years party...and it really was like coming home. There were a few new faces and a lot of old ones...and everyone was friendly and welcoming. We're still adjusting, but I think it's going really well.
Long story short...it's been amazing coming home. It isn't the same as it was when I was 19, but I didn't really expect it to be. I am a very different person, but we all are. On one hand, it makes me sad that I left and missed so many memories with my friends - my chosen family. On the other hand, at least now I have a massive repertoire of stories that no one here has heard yet.
And while Colin isn't my ex...and won't ever take his place...I think he's been accepted as well. At least no one has kicked him yet. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment