Chapter 6 - Lost

Chapter 6 – Lost

We sat in silence for a long time, once he had concluded his first chapter. I could tell he was trying to reign in his temper and the emotions that had exploded forth during story time, and I was trying desperately to digest everything he had told me. It was hard to take it all in, and I felt my heart going out to him. I didn't understand it all, not by a long shot, but I did understand that he had gotten kind of a bum deal out of the whole thing. I broke the silence first, looking up to where he stood, his back still turned to me. My voice was quiet, but I could see from the way he tensed that he'd heard me clearly.

“Where did you go after that? After you left Dublin?”

He turned to me after a moment, his face partially hidden by a shadow. His accent was mostly gone again, replaced by the fake one he had obviously worked on for many years. “I wandered. Name a place and I have likely been there at one point or another. I struggled to learn and to get by on my own. Usually, we aren't left to our own devices for years, if ever. We are taught and we are groomed and only when we are able to survive on our own without risking our kind are we allowed to wander by ourselves. For all that I knew being Teaghanne's confidant, I didn't know nearly enough. I knew next to nothing about the abilities of our kind, and I was forced to discover them all the hard way. Trial and error.”

“So...what exactly are your abilities? Are they different for everyone?”

He turned to me and eyed me for a moment before smiling lightly, “Well, Little Bird, what did your research tell you my abilities would be?”

I frowned slightly, narrowing my eyes as I looked up at him. I was here to learn from him what he was, not give a book report on the bullshit drabble I'd been able to find in my research. It made me feel a little embarrassed, having to recall the silly things I'd found in various tomes. He just watched me passively, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the tree. I sighed, acquiescing after giving a brief glance around the park. “I didn't learn much. But there were some reports that you could turn into various animals – bats, wolves, rats. Um, reports that you could turn into mist, that you can force people to do your bidding with your mind. Some say you can fly, most say that you've got incredible speed and inhuman strength. You can tell when someone is lying, control animals...”

He chuckled softly, nodding to me. He'd obviously heard it all before. “And which of those powers do you think would make me into a monster, Little Bird?”

“Um. I don't really know. I don't think any one of them, actually...I'd think it is more about who you are and what you do that would make you a monster.”

He grinned, moving towards me with cat-like grace and terrifying speed. He knelt in front of me, his body pressed close to mine as he whispered softly, “None of those things is what makes us truly terrifying to the herd. What makes them forget when they meet us? What gives them nightmares about the run-ins, though they can never quite remember what they were about? It is that we are unknown, we are different. We are a part of this world, yet we are utterly outside of it. We don't have to abide by the rules of science and morality that you have all had thrust on you since your childhood. We are something out of legend, something horrifying. This is what makes us monsters. Not because of what we can do, but because of what they are afraid we will do.”

He stood just as gracefully, stepping away from me again. I could feel my heart starting to slow just slightly and I let out a sigh of relief. He glanced back at me, continuing to speak, “Our abilities differ from Vampire to Vampire. I could not tell you what exactly causes them to develop in each of us differently, but they do. There are scholars of my kind who have spent centuries researching it, but they have found very little to explain it. Even sire and childe might have different abilities One vampire might develop the ability to turn into a wolf, while his sibling might develop the ability to be totally resistant to pain. Something I've not quite mastered.”

I couldn't resist it. He opened the door and I had to step through it. Besides, it was always good to know what the handsome stranger at your side could do. “So, what can you do then? What is your expertise, Ciaran?”

He smiled to me, his eyes glittering. He spoke again, but his lips did not move. It was a voice in my head, very different then the bitch in my brain that I kept trying to ignore. It was distinctly mascueline, and I could feel power thrumming behind his voice. I can communicate with you at a great distance. If I can see you, I will always be able to speak with you. Sometimes it will work, even if I can't see you.

I didn't even see him move but there he was behind me, his lips brushing against my ear as he murmured softly, “I can move more quickly then the eye can follow. More quickly then most of the others. I can be on you in a moment, kill you before you've even had a chance to register that I am there.”

He was in front of me again then, catching my gray eyes with his own ocean of deep green. He leaned over me, either hand resting on the back of the bench, his voice soft as he murmured, “I can always tell when someone is lying to me, and their general emotional state of being. Right now, you are frightened – terrified – yet you are too intrigued to run away.” I heard the faint sound of metal crunching and glanced over, my breath catching as I saw his fingertips easily crushing the wrought iron bench, the soft voice tickling my ear again, “And of course, let us not forget the super human strength.”

I looked at him and leaned away, terror again rising in my stomach. He was putting on a good show, and he was doing a damn good job of frightening me. He stood and strolled away from me, looking like a gentleman on a nice evening walk. I watched him go for a moment, trying to overcome the shock of his sudden motions. I was still reeling from his story, and trying to absorb his words. After a moment, I scrambled to my feet, trying to pull myself back together as I rushed after him. After all, I had asked for this. I had begged him to treat me this way, and I knew that we weren't finished with our story yet. I pulled alongside him and he glanced down, smiling mildly at me. He looked to have calmed down significantly after putting some distance between us.

“Does that explain anything to you, Little Bird?”

I hesitated for a moment. It explained plenty but still left so many unanswered questions in my mind. I nodded slowly and sighed a little, “Yeah. It explains a lot. But, there is more I want to know. There is more to tell, isn't there?”

He continued to walk in silence for a moment, looking around the park and smiling. He knew what I wanted to hear, and he was more then willing to give it to me, “As a Vampire, we are forced to feed from the living. We do not have to kill our prey, though many do. I find it sloppy, too many deaths leads to questions. It suffices to drink some and leave them for later...many of them will come back for more. Nor do we have to drink every night. As young Vampires, we require blood nearly every night. The older we grow the less we require.

“Many of us have a gift, though some chose not to employ it. When we attempt to feed off a mortal, the do not remember it after the fact. They forget that I was ever there, and their minds conveniently make up excuses for the lightheadedness that they always experience afterward. There are a precious few who will remember me if I see them again, but those are rare indeed. I prefer to work in anonymity. I am able to heal the wounds I create, by licking them closed. They might have a faint mark, but many of them will chalk it up to a bug bite or a scratch. I could leave the wounds open, and I have in the past. As a general rule, I like to be clean about my business. We don't particularly care for mortals fussing about in our business.” He fixed me with a look, and I took his meaning quite well. I already knew that my attention was unwanted and dangerous. Thanks, Ciaran, for making that extra clear to me.

His words were repulsing. Just the thought of drinking the blood of another living creature made me feel sick to my stomach. Once again, I was glad I'd chosen not to eat before meeting with him. “How do you choose who you are going to feed from?”

He chuckled softly, his hands clasped firmly behind his back as he strolled, and I struggled to keep up with him. His legs were much longer then mine. “It really just depends on my mood. If I am looking for a bit of a challenge, I'll find myself an athlete or a frat boy, a straight male. It is more difficult to lure them away to be alone. If want something a bit easier, perhaps a young professional woman. Something exciting, I will find a druggie, exotic I will find myself an Asian girl. It is different every time.”

“Does it...do we all taste the same to you?” Ew. I couldn't even believe I was asking him all of this. My stomach was doing serious flip-flops at the thought of some little Asian girl getting all the life sucked out of her by this guy.

He laughed brightly, “No, Little Bird. Not a bit. Every one of you is completely unique, you all have your own special taste. Once a Vampire had fed from you, they are able to track you, in a way. Able to keep tabs on you. We know when those that we have marked are nearby. In some cases, we can use that to communicate over great distances.”

“Do you feed from the same people? Can you feed from them more then once? Won't it hurt them if you do that?”

He nodded, chuckling softly, “Yes, we can feed from the same people and we often do. Once you have fed from them several times it becomes much easier, they are much more pliable. It only hurts them if we feed too often or too deeply. Those of us who are responsible keep track of the mortals we feed from them, and we ensure that no permanent harm comes to our food source. The human body is amazing, Little Bird, and it will replenish most of the blood we take within mere weeks. I tend to only sip, and I revisit my regulars every other week or so. Though it all depends on my mood. The woman you first saw me with? She was someone random, a chance encounter on the street. I saw her, and I wanted her.”

I couldn't help but frown up at him, suppressing a shudder of revulsion. This was all getting to be a little too much for me, “So what, is it all just a game to you, Ciaran? We're just nothing more then cattle to you, just a nice warm meal on wheels waiting to be delivered to your doorstep? You just feed on whoever you want and then toss them aside, is that is?”

That was obviously the wrong thing to say to him. He didn't care for me questioning him in such a way, and his expression immediately darkened, a deep frown creasing his face, “I've told you, Alexandra, I am a monster. I tell you this time and time again, yet you seem to not believe me. Why is that? Are you truly that stubborn, for I know you are not stupid. Yes, I think of humans as cattle. It is easier that way.”

I was incredulous. He'd called me stubborn or stupid, and he thought of my species as nothing more then warm moving meals. “Easier? For who? Obviously, for you, but what about them? You have no thought for the people who die for you, do you?”

He growled, and I knew I was in trouble. Before I knew it, he had grabbed my arms and had whirled me against the brick wall we had been walking along. He pinned me there, and I could feel the bruises already beginning to raise on my arms. His breath was hot on my neck as he spoke, pressing me hard against the wall, his guttural voice filling my head, “I have accepted what I am, Alexandra Romen, and it is not your place to question it. This is what I am! I am a monster, I am a creature. I kill, I feed, I maim – I do it to exist, and I do it to ensure my own survival.”

As he spoke, I felt something dragging along my neck. It was a fang lightly tracing against my bare skin, and I knew he was doing it just to fuck with me. That didn't stop my reaction. I let out a bit of a whimper, shuddering at the pain mixed with the barest hint of that exquisite pleasure he had talked about. I attempted to squirm away from him, needing to escape him before it went any further. He just held me more firmly, continuing to speak, his fang slowly dragging down my neck, “You live, you breath, you fuck, you eat, you die. This is all that there is for you mortals. You never see the other side, you never feel the cool caress of the night against your bare skin. You never know the pure pleasure of the hunt, followed by the exaltation of of the kill. You will never know the taste of them in your throat as they whine and cry and beg you for more. As they beg you to kill them because it feels so fucking good.”

I could feel the tears starting, the terror ripping through me. I was pretty certain that this was the end, that I would be the headline the next morning. It wasn't until I felt his hand tightening around my throat that I lost it. I gasped, his hand quickly cutting off my scream. His words hardly pierced the veil of pure terror that had been pulled over my eyes as he hissed, his eyes narrowed, “You never know the sensation that is snapping a mans neck with your bare hands. You will never see the fear you can instill, the terror you bring, the rage you incite or the lust you breed. You will never know how we live, how we feel, how we exist. No matter what you say, Alexandra, no matter how much research you do or how many ridiculous questions you ask, you will never understand. You will never see what it is like to live the way I do.”

I fell to the ground as he pushed away from me, snorting derisively. I collapsed in a heap, gasping and sobbing, rubbing my throat, weeping at the fire in my throat and the terror in my heart. He took a few steps away from me, his hands tightening as he paced the trail in front of me, still speaking as he glared daggers at me. “You've no right to judge me, Alexandra. No right whatsoever.” He was in front of me again, crouching there and looking at me. Thankfully though, he wasn't touching me.

All I could do was sob and struggle, trying to push away from the monster that I saw before me. In my mind, all I knew was that he was evil and he had tried to hurt me. He heaved a sigh, catching my flailing hands easily in his, looking into my eyes, fire burning in his own. Some part of my mind noticed his hands, the thumbs slowly stroking, gentle on my own delicate skin. He spoke slowly, his voice taking on a more gentle tone, “Do you think I wanted this, Alexandra? Do you think...Gods above...do you really think that I would have chosen this curse, if I had been given a choice?”

He watched me closely as I wept, shaking my head and trying to force myself to calm down. I was on the verge of hysterics, my mind racing. It took several long minutes before my brain would even allow me to think about responding. I coughed violently, inching away from him, shaking my head. My voice was harsh and quiet, “If you hate what you are, then why the hell are you still alive?”

He sad down heavily upon the ground in front of me, his legs folded gracefully beneath him. He heaved a sigh, shaking his head, looking at me mournfully, “I don't know, Little Bird. Honestly, I just don't know.” I shook my head, not wanting to look at him, my mind telling me off for not listening to it in the first place.

Slowly, he reached out a hand for my arm. I flinched away from him, my eyes widening and the terror beginning a new in me. He sighed, frowning and nodding once. “I am sorry, Alexandra. I am truly sorry for losing my temper. I can't change who I am, and at times I forget the way I react. No matter how I try, I am still a monster. I am ruled by my beast and I am ruled by my desires. I will not apologize for that, for there is no changing it. However, I do apologize for harming you. It was not my intention.”

“Oh yeah? What was your intention, Ciaran?” My voice was sharper then I had intended as I eyed him carefully, drawing my knees to my chest and watching him. I was just waiting for the next blow to fall.

He considered that for a moment and shook his head, “I wanted to show you. I wanted to make you understand the answer to the questions you were asking.”

My voice was shaking, the tears starting a new. None of this had gone the way I had anticipated, and here I was back at square one. Terrified and confused with the added bonus of immense pain, “I think...I've seen everything I ever needed to see from you.”

He frowned a little, furrowing his brows. I could see something behind his eyes, some glitter of regret for his actions, “There is more you wish to know. More questions you have not asked.”

I could only shrug, shaking my head, wrapping my arms more tightly around myself. I shivered violently, the air had taken on a hint of cold and I was fairly certain I was nearing shock. I looked away from him, “I need you to leave. I need to leave. I can't be here. I...you scare me. I need to go, Ciaran, I need to get away.”

His stood slowly, his eyes examining me. He pulled the jacket from his shoulders and draped it across mine, taking care to not touch me. His voice was mournful and concerned as he spoke softly, “You should have been afraid of me from the very beginning, Little Bird.”

And then, he was gone. I was alone, I was in pain, and I had been proven oh so wrong. My mind started chattering at me, telling me 'I told you so' in as many different ways as it could. I slowly drug myself to my feet, shivering and leaning against the wall for what seemed like an eternity.

I never used to think of myself as a strong person, but I have since changed my way of thinking. I told the voice in my head to go straight to hell and I clutched the jacket around the shoulders. It smelled of him, a faintly comforting smell despite all of it. I let out a crazy husky laugh and shook my head. Maybe I was nuts.